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Narcissistic personality disorder December 14, 2009

Posted by Ruth in mental illness, Uncategorized.
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Now I have long suspected that my sister Joan Wheeler was mentally unstable. I’ve said so for more than 20 years. When she blasted me with another round of verbal abuse during my phone call of November 3, 2009 (where I called to tell her that her godmother had died), I was deeply hurt. I knew that our track record was not so good. But I really did not think she would go off on me the way she did. Silly me. Anyway, I was so hurt, I just burst into tears when I hung up on her. I went to my dad’s house. While I was driving over there, she had called him, an 85 year old man, (of whom she gets on the internet and to elicit sympathy reports that he is dying), but on November 3, she screamed at him on the phone, resulting in him hanging up on her. That day, my father told me, “Joan is mentally ill. You cannot reason with her.”

Now I am NOT posting this in order to attack Joan, I have not built this blog to attack Joan.  The purpose of this blog is twofold: To get out the truth behind Joan Wheeler’s adoption and what happened to our family afterwards. And to tell the truth behind our reunion with our little sister and why that reunion went bad. It went bad because of Joan’s arrogance, her meddling in family affairs and our lives,  her harassment of us and subjecting us to emotional and verbal abuse.  She has disrespected  almost her entire birth family (those have not been engaged in a harassment war with her are simply those she has a use for).

Joan Wheeler, in her book Forbidden Family, and on various internet sites, her own blog sites, adoption reform sites, discussion forums, and in comment sections on various sites on the internet, keeps putting forth a false account of her adoption, even though she has been told the truth by the one person who should dam well know the truth: my father.

I INTERRUPT THIS POST WITH AN UPDATE APRIL 2016; as older posts are being seen I’m updating with links to my second blog and a Facebook page wherein I expose AGAIN the lies, fabrications and hate that Joan M Wheeler says about me and family. After the first book was pulled from publication by the publisher, May 2011, she has ‘self-published’ another ‘revised’ version. This woman has no shame no sense of family honor!

https://gertmcqueen2.wordpress.com/

https://www.facebook.com/dupedbyadoption1

NOW BACK TO THIS POST

Joan says he was talked into giving her up for adoption, that he was under duress, that the Catholic Church talked him into giving her up.  She blames her adoptive family, The Wheelers for coercing him to give her up, then she says The Wheelers blame him for giving her up. She says that members of the Wheelers and my mother’s family blame my father for separating the rest of us kids. NO. There were no daycare centers in 1956. There were no adults to help. My father’s  parents were elderly, my grandfather was deaf and had one leg,  my grandmother worked two jobs. My father had no siblings. My mother’s siblings were getting old, and the others had a bunch of little kids and babies of their own. One brother of my mother offered to adopt ME, so how could my mother’s family blame my dad for separating us, when one of them offered to do so? (with love, I may add, my uncle and his wife were the sweetest people you’d ever met).  As for the Wheelers: it was one of the Wheelers who first suggested that Joan be adopted: her brother and his wife were childless, so she approached my mother’s sister, a childhood friend of hers, and my aunt then approached my dad. So again, how could the Wheelers be blaming my dad for giving her up. And how could my mother’s sister be blaming my dad, when it was her who approached me dad. My father told ME personally many years ago that after he was approached by my aunt, he thought long and hard about it. He consulted his parish priest (that’s how the Catholic Church got into this), he consulted a lawyer.  The adoption became finalized approximately NINE MONTHS LATER. In those nine months, my father had ample time to reconsider his decision. So whatever garbage you have heard from or read from Joan Wheeler concerning the facts of her adoption is a bunch of lies. She doesn’t even get her lies straight. She does say it was a Wheeler relative who wanted the baby. But does she not then say it was the Wheelers who blast my father doing this? Go back and read her comments on the ABCNews.com article “Adoptees face sting of discrimination.” Put yourself mentally back in time to 1956, when there were no daycare centers, no welfare system like we have now. Nowadays, when you have a baby, you can simply go downtown and get everything provided for you. Rent on voucher, food stamps, WIC, medical and dental for yourself and your baby, appliances, utilities paid for, spending money; your whole existance, and your child(ren) are all taken care of. Not 50 years ago. And all the people involved in Joan’s adoption were all acting to take care of her physical being. To ensure she had a roof over her head, clothes and food, diapers changed, bottles given. Who would have done that if she were laying in a crib all day unattended and my dad at work to earn money to pay the bills?

Joan knows all this, she’s a mother herself, but of course never worked a blasted day in her life while her kids were babies. And she always had her mother and daycamp to help out. MY FATHER HAD NO SUCH HELP! And because we, her birth sisters, have tried for years to get her see the TRUTH of what happened to her, and to us, we have been singled out as targets for her abuse, her lies, her harassment.

In this blog, what I have written and scanned and posted, has always been to prove that I, Ruth Sippel, and her two older sisters, (we, The Three Sippel Sisters) are NOT the ones who are doing the lying, the bashing, the trashtalking, the manipulation, the soap opera plots, the interfering, the meddling, the harassment. It is, and always WAS Joan. I have scanned and posted some of the actual letters that I have received from Joan. Any letters that I have written to her, and I will scan and post them (those that I still have) to prove that the purpose of MY letters were always to plead with Joan to STOP her abuse and harassment and LEAVE ME ALONE! and for her to SHUT UP! When I, or any of Joan’s birth or adoptive families have told her to shut up, it was not for her to shut up about her adoption reform work (unless she had talked about til the point we were nauseous), but mostly we were trying to get her to SHUT UP AND STOP HARASSING US.

Joan’s manipulation of the truth, her lies, her contradicting herself while posting one thing on one internet forum, then another thing on another forum, are all indictive of someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

So I learned a little bit of NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) and want to share it with you. There’s a long list of traits here, and I have noticed all but 2 with Joan, and the last three, being about work, sleep and eating habits, I have no knowledge. But what fits Joan Wheeler to a “T” is the last 4 paragraphs. Please read all this post, and especially pay attention to the last 4 paragraphs. Readers here who may personally know Joan Wheeler, control your blood pressures! And if you are in a public library, I know it will be difficult to keep silent. You will all want to jump up and shout to the universe: THAT’S JOAN! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT SHE DOES! AND IS!  Any phrase outlined in bold is MY emphasis on these phrases. Because this is exactly what I have noticed in Joan. Others may recognize the same phrases, or not, or they may notice other phrases that are of particular importance to them. Happy reading.

*************************The following is NOT my writing. But taken from several sources.  But dang, those last 4 paragraphs could have been written by me. Because I have LIVED it.! I have experienced it from Joan Wheeler! **This is printed here for informational purposes only. To understand why Joan Wheeler is the way she is. ***************************************

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders. Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include: Believing that you’re better than others; Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness; Exaggerating your achievements or talents; Expecting constant praise and admiration; Believing that you’re special and acting accordingly; Failing to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings; Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans; Taking advantage of others; Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior; Being jealous of others; Believing that others are jealous of you; Trouble keeping healthy relationships; Setting unrealistic goals; Being easily hurt and rejected; Having a fragile self-esteem; Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional;

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it’s not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don’t value themselves more than they value others. When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don’t receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having “the best” of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance. But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better. Essentially, narcissists are unable or unwilling to trust either the world or other people to meet their needs. Perhaps they were born to parents unable to connect emotionally and, thus, as infants learned not to let another person be essential to them in any way. Perhaps NPD starts later, when intrusive or abusive parents make it dangerous for the child to accept other people’s opinions and valuations. Maybe it comes from a childhood environment of being treated like royalty or little gods. Whatever the case, narcissists have made the terrible choice not to love. In their imaginations, they are complete unto themselves, perfect and not in need of anything anyone else can give them. (NB: Narcissists do not count their real lives — i.e., what they do every day and the people they do it with — as worth anything.) Their lives are impoverished and sterile; the price they pay for their golden fantasies is high: they’ll never share a dream for two.

Traits: amoral/conscienceless; authoritarian; care only about appearances; contemptuous; critical of others; cruel; disappointing gift-givers; don’t recognize own feelings; envious and competitive; feel entitled; flirtatious or seductive; grandiose; hard to have a good time with; hate to live alone; hyper-sensitive to criticism; impulsive; lack sense of humor; naive; passive; pessimistic; religious; secretive; self-contradictory; stingy; strange work habits; unusual eating habits; weird sense of time

The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. It can be trivial (e.g., about what they want for lunch) or it can be serious (e.g., about whether or not they love you). When you ask them which one they mean, they’ll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it — really, how could you think they’d ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they’ll say you’re lying, making stuff up, or are crazy. [At this point, if you’re like me, you sort of panic and want to talk to anyone who will listen about what is going on: this is a healthy reaction; it’s a reality check (“who’s the crazy one here?”); that you’re confused by the narcissist’s contrariness, that you turn to another person to help you keep your bearings, that you know something is seriously wrong and worry that it might be you are all signs that you are not a narcissist]. They will complain about the same things for years on end, but only rarely do anything to change what dissatisfies them so badly. Narcissists are (a) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and (b) extremely critical of other people. They think that they must be seen as perfect or superior or infallible, next to god-like (if not actually divine, then sitting on the right hand of God) — or else they are worthless. There’s no middle ground of ordinary normal humanity for narcissists. They can’t tolerate the least disagreement. In fact, if you say, “Please don’t do that again — it hurts,” narcissists will turn around and do it again harder to prove that they were right the first time; their reasoning seems to be something like “I am a good person and can do no wrong; therefore, I didn’t hurt you and you are lying about it now…” — sorry, folks, I get lost after that.

Anyhow, narcissists are habitually cruel in little ways, as well as big ones, because they’re paying attention to their fantasy and not to you, but the bruises on you are REAL, not in your imagination. Thus, no matter how gently you suggest that they might do better to change their ways or get some help, they will react in one of two equally horrible ways: they will attack or they will withdraw. Be wary of wandering into this dragon’s cave — narcissists will say ANYTHING, they will trash anyone in their own self-justification, and then they will expect the immediate restoration of the status quo. They will attack you (sometimes physically) and spew a load of bile, insult, abuse, contempt, threats, etc., and then — well, it’s kind of like they had indigestion and the vicious tirade worked like a burp: “There. Now I feel better. Where were we?” They feel better, so they expect you to feel better, too. They will say you are nothing, worthless, and turn around immediately and say that they love you. When you object to this kind of treatment, they will say, “You just have to accept me the way I am. (God made me this way, so God loves me even if you are too stupid to understand how special I am.)” Accepting them as they are (and staying away from them entirely) is excellent advice.

The other “punishment” narcissists mete out is banishing you from their glorious presence — this can turn into a farce, since by this point you are probably praying to be rescued, “Dear God! How do I get out of this?” The narcissist expects that you will be devastated by the withdrawal of her/his divine attention, so that after a while — a few weeks or months (i.e., the next time the narcissist needs to use you for something) — the narcissist will expect you to have learned your lesson and be eager to return to the fold. If you have learned your lesson, you won’t answer that call. They can’t see that they have a problem; it’s always somebody else who has the problem and needs to change. Therapies work at all only when the individual wants to change and, though narcissists hate their real selves, they don’t want to change — they want the world to change. And they criticize, gripe, and complain about almost everything and almost everyone almost all the time. There are usually a favored few whom narcissists regard as absolutely above reproach, even for egregious misconduct or actual crime, and about whom they won’t brook the slightest criticism. These are people the narcissists are terrified of, though they’ll tell you that what they feel is love and respect; apparently they don’t know the difference between fear and love. Narcissists just get worse and worse as they grow older; their parents and other authority figures that they’ve feared die off, and there’s less and less outside influence to keep them in check.

Narcissists lack a mature conscience and seem to be restrained only by fear of being punished or of damaging their reputations — though, again, this can be obscure to casual observation if you don’t know what they think their reputations are, and what they believe others think of them may be way out of touch with reality. Their moral intelligence is about at the level of a bright five- or six-year-old; the only rules they recognize are things that have been specifically required, permitted, prohibited, or disapproved of by authority figures they know personally. Anyhow, narcissists can’t be counted on not to do something just because it’s wrong, illegal, or will hurt someone, as long as they think that they can get away with it or that you can’t stop them or punish them (i.e., they don’t care what you think unless they’re afraid of you).

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