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A comment and my reply – February 8 – 9, 2010 February 9, 2010

Posted by Ruth in Lies in the book Forbidden Family, Uncategorized.
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I received this comment for my post A Listing of Lies told by Joan Wheeler in her book Forbidden Family and elsewhere   Smarty asks some important questions and gives some good insight in human behavior and perception of memory. I thought I’d make this into a separate post, along with my rather lengthy reply, which explains why I am choosing to go the route I am, in regards to my resolving my issues with Joan Wheeler.

smarty58 said 1 day ago: Why are you not suing the author of the book for defamation of character and for using your photographs? I would think the resolution in court would be more beneficial to you than venting on a blog. As humans we all have our own perception of what took place, what was said, by whom, when, and the context in which they said it. The mind is a powerful thing when it comes to allowing us to “believe” the story we are telling ourselves. My sister, (a pathological liar) has recently lied about me (again) my mother choose to believe her. I KNOW the truth and I do not feel I need to have to defend myself. If it comes to that and I have to prove it, the price my mother and sister will have to pay will be very high. I do not communicate with my sister in anyway. I realized many many years ago that she is a very toxic and sick individual and I will no longer allow her to be part of my life. I am irate that my mother has chosen to believe her, but this says far more about the two of them than it ever will about me. I’ve had to learn to accept that my sister is a very sick sick individual and she needs psychological help. if my sister had the mental capacity to write a book, have it published etc filled with lies, invaded my privacy, or used my photograph, I would sue her in a court of law whereby the truth goes on record and onto the internet, right now it’s only “you said, she said” Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand how hurtful all this must be for you. Your words I can not hear, when your actions speak so loudly… meaning, SUE her.

My reply:  Well Smarty, I would love to take Joan to court, and so would my sisters, but we are all spread all over the place. And there are other complications. I agree with you say that we all different perceptions on things, and sometimes the memory can be faulty. But I am relying on my journal, and actual court documents from the 3 times that I and Joan had been in court agains each other, and relying and quoting actual letters written by Joan and sent to me, and various family members, and even actual letters written by Joan and sent to my employer, various elected officials and government agencies.

I have also quoted Joan’s own words, not only from her letters, but from her book, her blog, and her own comments made to various internet discussion forums. And I have relied on my own good memories. No one can tell me that I have a faulty memory when I clearly remember babysitting for her year old son, and using a pair of scissors that I brought with me, cutting the ribbon of beadwork off Joan’s wedding dress. the ribbon of beadwork that she stole off my mother’s (and handed down to me) wedding dress. She had the dress in her possession for about 4 or 5 years. In her book, she says she had if for only 4 weeks. But she also said in her book, that she had a copy of the dress made for her own wedding, which took place in May 1983. But in her book, she says she returned the dress to me in 1979. Her seamstress did not rely on a photograph to make the copy.

Joan says in her book, she rely’s on her journals, but her journals themselves must be faulty. And she is so inconsistant with her facts. For example, I have told the story of the phony child abuse call made about her, that I supposedly made. The call was made in December 1994. But in her book, she says it was 1993. I suppose that could be attributed to a slip-up of memory. but just a couple of months ago, she went to an internet advice forum and said the call was made in 1997. Now, supposedly, this call was a very traumatic event. Because she claimed that she and I were engaged in a 3 month court battle because of this child abuse call. THERE WAS NEVER A 3 MONTH COURT BATTLE. This is not something that can attributed to a faulty memory! this is blatant lies, thru and thru.

As for your statement that right now, it’s only “You said, she said,” Yes, to some degree it is. HOWEVER, I have been scanning and posting the actual letters that Joan has written, and actual court documents relating to the 3 times (1993, 1995, and 1999) that Joan and I were in court against each other. I can back up most of my “claims” with written evidence. Joan cannot. Also in a real court, it is not like it is on TV. The judge doesn’t have time to ask, “Wait a minute.” (Turns to defendant – “You sent her a letter saying her husband got the next door neighbor pregnant? What kind of sister are you?” They just want to know the facts. Not any history of adoption, not any previous history of lies, the whole story of my brother-in-law’s taking my money and using it at the strip joint really happened, but I can’t prove it. How can I prove to you right here and now that I just had a cup of tea and 2 chocolate chip cookies? I can’t. But it’s the truth! If I can’t prove it in a court of law, what’s the point in me paying a lawyer?

 So I’m doing the next best thing.- putting it out for the internet to be the judge and jury. I had no problem with Joan writing her book, but I read a working manuscript in 1997, and I knew then, it would be a bunch of crap. I made it clear then, that I was opposed to the lies. Since she had been “working” on this book since around 1980, I figured the stupid thing would never get published. Well, she scrapped together the 800 bucks to get it self-published, because she knew no reputable publisher would touch it.

Outside of the lies, it’s a very hate-filled book. She trashes just everybody in her life that she ever had a disagreement with! She has nothing nice to say about anybody. She is very judgemental, very bigoted in many things. And very inaccurate in many things. For example, when she writes about events in the mid 70s, she refers to me as “heavily dating” an Arab man. mmm, we were living together, so how were we dating? She was away at college when Abdo and I met, and moved in together after knowing each other only 1 month. (something I wouldn’t recomend, it worked for us, it might now work for everyone). She consistently calls him and my present husband my “boyfriends” when I always referred to them as my husbands. (my present co-habiter and I were legally married in 2002.) She says that by 1992, I was completely immersed in the Arab culture. Abdo and I had broken up in 1985, and John and I were together in 1987. I continued my belly dancing, and had at the time many Arab friends (and still do), but in 1992, no, I was not heavily in the Arab culture. and that is another reason for this blog – she has put erroneous details of MY life out in public. I am merely setting the record straight.

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