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Facts are Stubborn Things Part 3 November 10, 2010

Posted by Ruth in Contradictions of Joan Wheeler, Joan Wheeler's abuse and harassment of her birth family, Refuting Joan Wheelers statements.
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Facts are Stubborn Things Part 3    By Ruth Pace

On page 214 Joan relates her version of a very painful episode in our family’s history. And of course, Joan twists everything around, trying to be the “heroine” of the situation, AND getting details all wrong – I mean, for such a “truthful” book, I find very little truth in 4 paragraphs on page 214. First she says that my niece Karen (Beth) was 13 years old. WRONG – she was 15.  As I have pointed out many times on this blog and just recently in the post  Facts are Stubborn Things Part 1 Joan keeps getting dates and ages wrong. On page 204, she says that Gert’s kids were around 14 and 15 years old.

Getting back to page 214, Joan rehashes her “sexual abuse” supposedly by Gert. Which had nothing to do with Karen’s situation. Joan relates that on a camping trip the family went skinny dipping and Karen confided in her that she did not want to swim in the nude. HALF-WRONG!  Karen did not confide this to Joan, she confided it to ME, and Karen already (several months ago) posted a comment right here on this blog stating to that fact.  And as to Joan saying that Karen was “forced” to swim naked – WRONG! She declined to swim naked, she kept her swimsuit on. The family was experimenting in skinny dipping, the children were not forced into anything.

At all times, Gert let the kids make many of their own decisions, as long as those decisions did not go against the rules of the household – and those rules were reasonable, and not abnormal in any way – rules such as doing homework, chores, no drugs or booze, etc.

Joan says “The way I saw it, my 13 year old niece was in danger and I acted out of love for her. If my sister and my husband weren’t harming Beth/Karen the truth would win out.” Like this is an excuse to call child abuse on someone? NO, she did NOT interfere out of love for Karen, but for revenge against Gert – because as Gert has said, she threw Joan out of her house and life for her interference with the adoption of her son, and no, Joan is WRONG when she says on the top of page 214, that Gert’s new husband “would only adopt the older teen; he wouldn’t adopt Beth, (Karen) the younger one.”

He asked to adopt BOTH kids. Karen declined. She wanted to retain her biological father’s name. Gert and Jim were fine with Karen’s decision.

As to the skinny-dipping episode, geez, are people who live in nudist colonies automatically assumed to be child predators? It’s just an alternative lifestyle, and means nothing. And there are lots of places in Europe – Sweden for one place, who have NUDE BEACHES, where entire families swim in the nude! If Gert and Jim and Gert’s son were comfortable skinny-dipping, fine. If Karen was not, fine. What’s the big deal?

I am going to clarify just what happened in 1982 to our family. Gert knows some of the story, but not all. Because when Karen ran away in early September 1982, I filed for custody of Karen. This put a tremendous strain on my relationship with Gert. We did not speak to each other for 10 years. In 1992, when Gert came to Buffalo for a family reunion, we reconciled. Lest anyone think that we did not reconcile and have only “come together” for writing this blog – to “gang up” on Joan – nope. In 1997, when Gert’s first husband died, I put her and her kids up in my house. She has been back for visits in Buffalo a few more times, and each time we have gotten together for dinner or lunch. We have been in touch via snail mail, email and telephone BEFORE the publication of Joan’s filthy book and the inception of this blog. And when I say that Gert does not know the entire story of what happened with me and her daughter – I mean that she knows the gist of it – but not all the details. When we talked about it – we didn’t go into detail, because we just didn’t feel the need to rehash it all – she got a lot of the story from Karen herself – so we two just didn’t go over it all – we weren’t dwelling on the past – only the future – and our newly repaired relationship.

So just what did happen in 1982? And it was not Joan who acted out of love for our niece, as she states on page 214, but ME. I had always been very close to Gert’s 2 children from the time they were born. Around 1979, Gert moved to an apartment only 2 blocks from me. The kids were always at my house. Gert had met a man who would soon become her second husband. I liked him at first, but soon after he moved in with Gert, there were several instances of him hitting her. I did not like that he was hitting my sister, I didn’t know how to help Gert.

After about a year of his living with Gert, my niece started to complain to me of certain things about him and Gert. I wasn’t sure what was going on. My ex-husband Abdo and I  had moved to a different section of the city, so I was not as close to the situation as I once was.

Gert has already related some of Karen’s problems as a young teen: she had run away from home once before, was going to see a counselor, and hooked up with a friend, whose mother wanted to adopt her! I remember one evening, Gert called me on the phone for help. Karen was at this woman’s house and refused to come home. The woman told Gert that she was keeping Karen. My friend Francine and I, accompanied Gert and Jim to the house and retrieved Karen. Gert made a stop at a police station, where a police officer laid the law down on Karen.

Next thing I knew, I’m getting reports about bad it was at home from Karen. Could she come and move in with me and Abdo? Karen told me that she wanted to run away again. I told her NOT to run away. I told her if she did, seeing as she was only 15, her mother would slap a PINS (Persons In Need of Supervision) warrant on her. I told Karen to discuss the situation with her counselor. I told her that until she was 16, there was nothing to be done, unless there was actual child abuse going on, and Karen had already told me that that was not happening. I also told her that she should stick it out at home until she was 16, and if she still wanted to leave home, that she should tell her counselor, and ask to be emancipated, and check into a group home that was located in Hamburg, NY. Once that was done, I would be in a position to apply for custody of her. I also told her to obey the rules of her home and to discuss everything with her counselor.

I wasn’t sure what was going on. Could there be some trouble in Gert’s house other than Jim occasionally putting his hands on Gert? Karen didn’t say that Jim had hurt her, she was uncomfortable when Gert and Jim went skinny dipping during a camping trip. Karen kept  insisting that she didn’t “like” Jim. I didn’t know if this was just a typical 15 year old resisting a new step-parent, or was something really go on. So I had a talk with my friend Francine and with Joan. I told them both what Karen said. I asked them both, that whenever they visited Gert’s house, to keep an eye open – to see if there was anything we really should be concerned about.  I told them that Karen had not said that anything in particular happened, she was concerned about her stepfather hitting her mother, and was worried about it happening to her – or worse.

Joan immediately began saying we should call child abuse on the family. I asked her “Why?” We have no real proof that anything is really going on. And if we do call and there hasn’t been anything happening, then things are going to get out of control. Just leave it alone. “

Joan then suggested that she talk to her boss at the Department of Youth. I again told her no. I told her not to bring strangers into our family business. Again, I told her to leave it alone. “Just go over and visit as you normally do, and keep an eye on the situation.”

But did Joan do what I wanted? Oh, NO! JOAN, the EXPERT – went and talked to her boss anyway! As I feared, he went and called child abuse and everything blew up! (a quick note here – we have only Joan’s word that this is what happened – because now, 28 years later, I suspect it was Joan herself who called child abuse on Gert).

I was at work one night and I got a phone call – from Gert – asking if I had called child abuse on her. I was so surprised that I couldn’t talk – I stuttered, “I can’t talk about this right now – I’m at work.” (and yes, there were people standing around me, and I was expected to be working, not on the phone). Gert said “By your response – I know you did it.” And she hung up on me.

I called Joan up the next morning and that’s when she told me what she did. I yelled at her – “Gert is hopping mad – I told you to leave it alone. Now we are cut off from Karen, and if she really needed our help, now we can’t give it.”

It was a few days before I could talk to Karen, I don’t remember if I called her, or she called me. But she told me what happened. She also was mad that child abuse was called. She was taken by surprise – she had no idea child protective services was coming, and they interviewed her at the kitchen table. The child protective services worker determined that there was no threat in the house.

The result of Joan’s meddling was that Jim and Gert decided to move away from Buffalo – and yes, Gert is correct in saying in her post that I was mad that she was taking the kids away from me – I had known those kids from the day they were both born. In some ways, I was their second mother – although I never undermined Gert’s authority. I was not only mad, I was hurt. But there was nothing I could do. Gert was their parent, not me.

Gert and Jim did not move from Buffalo until the end of the school year – but Joan, and I, were forbidden to see the kids, or talk to them. I fed those babies their bottles, I changed their diapers, I saw them grow up, I was part of their lives, and now, I was OUT! And all thanks to Joan and her “expertise.”

I knew this was going to happen. You can suspect child abuse all you want, but unless you absolutely KNOW that a child is being abused, calling child abuse on an innocent parent is only going to cause problems. It will tear a family apart, and it sure did – not only with Gert’s immediate family, but in our extended family. My father was angry with me, my step-mother was concerned about me. She knew I was trying to do the right thing.

To back up a few months – when Karen first told me she wanted to runaway and come live with me, I talked to my stepmother about it – she suggested we talk to Dr. Kenneth Condrell, a Buffalo child psychologist. Dr. Condrell’s mother Mary, was a friend of ours from the Greek church where we all worked the Bingo games together and served on the church’s Women’s Committee. It was Dr. Condrell who advised me in every step I took, including NOT calling child abuse, but giving Karen options, such as continuing with the counseling. I even discussed the situation with the pastor of the church, who advised me to follow Dr. Condrell’s advice. These men, Dr. Condrell and the pastor of the church, knew my father and my stepmother, as they were parishioners of the church. And they knew me. They didn’t know Gert or Karen, but they only gave general advice, they did not advise me to interfere in any way in Gert’s family, but to give love and support to Karen, and keep all lines of communication open.

Since my stepmother and I were on the same page as me and Dr. Condrell, now she was against her own husband. My father’s stand was that we, (Joan and me) should have minded our own business. I told him that child abuse (if true) is EVERYBODY’S business and he should be more concerned as to his grandchildren. I told him that I didn’t want child abuse called, but that it was Joan who jumped the gun. I was always on shaky grounds with my relationship with my father, and this was not helping in that area. But I stood my ground. I did what I thought was right.

When the school year ended, Gert and her family moved to another city in the state. During the summer of 1982, my husband Abdo and I were having some problems due to his drinking and he moved out, taking an apartment 2 blocks away from me. We continued to see each other though. Many nights he slept over.

One day in September 1982, I got a phone call from my father that Karen had runaway from home again. He asked me if I knew where she was. I told him no, I hadn’t heard from Karen since before the family moved from Buffalo. My father wanted to know if she was at Joan’s house. I told him that I didn’t know. I called Joan, and she said that Karen wasn’t at her house. I got a nasty phone call from Gert, accusing me and Joan for encouraging Karen to run away from home, and accused us of hiding Karen from the family. I tried to tell Gert the whole story, but she wouldn’t listen. She was so angry, but there wasn’t anything I could do at this point.

Several days later, Karen showed up at my house. It was in the evening, and after I made us some dinner, I placed two phone calls – the first to Child Protective Services that Karen had finally showed up. They told me to keep her for the night and they would be at my house the following morning. The next call I made was to my father, and I told him that Karen was now at my house. He told me to send Karen to her mother. I told him that I had already called CPS and they would now take care of everything. Karen only told me that she was with friends for the few days she was missing. She refused to tell me who they were, and to this day, she has never told me.

The next morning, a worker from CPS came and Karen told them that she was now afraid of her stepfather, that he had threatened her. She didn’t want to return home and told the CPS worker that if he sent her back home, she would run away again. She said she wanted to live with me. The worker said there would have to be a custody hearing in the county from where she ran away from and gave me temporary custody. I was told that since school was in session, Karen had to be registered in school.

I registered Karen in the school she attended the previous year, and a friend of her brother’s called him and told him he had seen Karen in school. The following day, Gert and Jim arrived in Buffalo and came to the school. She was called out of class and came down to the office where Gert’s husband assaulted Karen. The police were called but he left the building before they came, and Gert and her husband went back home. In the three weeks that followed, while we waited for the custody hearing, Gert’s husband called my house and Joan’s several times, and threatened us. I paid no attention to him, but Joan was scared. Maybe if she had listened to me in the first place, all the fighting would not have occurred.

In the meantime, a home study was done on me. The CPS worker in Buffalo told me straight out that it would be a long shot if I was granted custody. I was single, worked nights, there was no adult in the house overnight to supervise Karen. Even though Abdo and I were working through our problems, and even if he moved back in permanently, we were not legally married.

Joan and I drove Karen to the custody hearing when it was scheduled. Gert said nothing to us, but glared at us. Gert had recommended to the judge that Karen be placed in a foster home, and that was what happened.

What might have happened if Joan had listened to me? I don’t know. I’m not a psychic.  But I do know that things would not have happened the way they did.

Gert – November 10, 2010

Even after all these years, after writing about it myself, having talking it over with Ruth, recently, it STILL HURTS! And even in that pain, I have still been able to reconcile that pain with my daughter and my sister Ruth, because they were able to reconcile with me. Joan never has and in the book she will tell you that, in 1992, it was still all my fault and worst because I did not APOLOGY to her and her adoptive mother for the letter that I wrote. Joan never sees the damage that she does nor takes responsiblity for her own actions.

On point needs to be clarified. When I and my husband found out that my daughter was in the school in buffalo, we went there. The principal had not phoned me as she had promised days before if she had seen my daughter. My husband and I were in the hallways watching for her as she came from a class, the hall filled with students. She saw me, ran the other way, my husband ran after her, grab her ankle and they fall down. I ran to them, and was tackled by a security guard and my glasses flew off my face. We were all taken to the office, where certain things were said by my daughter which caused the police to take her into custody away from me. I then had to go to family court to place her into foster home. I then counter-sued the county and my sisters. A home study was done on both of them and they did not pass and guess what…I WON MY CASE!

I have a 16 page document PROVING that my husband and I were INNOCENT of any wrong doing including, any form of assault in the school hallway and any form of child abuse!

The end result of course was the end of many relationships within our family and it all could have been avoided if Joan kept herself out of my business and my family. Less anyone have any doubt as to why I HATE Joan…this is why…she is a destroyer of people and families.

She could very easily end this by GIVING ME THE BOOK which means that she has to destroy it, pull it from the selling market, get herself out of the public venue of be a great and wonderful adoption reform person because she is NOTHING but pure evil.

 RuthNovember 10, 2010     (I don’t know why this is showing up as bold, I’ve tried 3 times to get the coding corrected. Must be a wordpress gremlin)
Gert is correct –
the incident in the school was ugly.
the incidents of the child abuse calls were ugly.
the aftermath was ugly.
the whole dam thing was ugly.
It could have all been avoided if Joan had just listened to: Number One – COMMON SENSE – anytime a teenager says “they don’t understand me at home” should be taken with a grain of salt. Number Two – when I said “don’t call child abuse unless we know that’s what’s going on.”
But does Joan have any dam common sense? Her whole book shows incident after incident where she instigates arguments, and has the dam UNcommon sense to fucking write about it, and thinks she’s the heroine in each episode of The Joni Show.
She wanted to be the heroine in this painful episode – she wanted to “save” Karen – and look what happened. She made it worse than it was. She made enemies of Gert and her husband, and I, yes, I admit to some intefering, albeit going about it with the advice of a priest and a child psychologist, got labeled along with Joan as a destroyer of a family.
The whole thing was totally unneccessary – but Joan, who lives everyday in the fantasy world of The Joni Show, to this day thinks she was the superheroine and she “saved” Karen. riigght!

Gert – November 10, 2010

As I have just finished up writing about another chapter in Joan’s vile book I have found this statement on pg 453 that Joan says…

‘Many people can’t stop blaming me for their inner turmoil’

this is Joan’s reasoning why people, be it me, or anyone in our family, or other people like the abusive violent man whom she ‘tried’ to ‘save’ are always blaming her…because they have not dealt with their inner turmoil! No ONCE has Joan taken responsibily for any of her actions! It’s always the other guy!

this is Joan’s great wisdom and divine relevations of other people’s minds and motives…they just have not dealt with their demons! And Joan has?

why has she written this vile book? so she can ‘show them’ everyone who has ever touched Joan and disagreed with her has PAID A DEEP PRICE. Don’t be the next….

there will be more truth telling coming up on this blog…don’t miss it…we are not done…not by a long shot…Joan will be exposed for all she has done and the best part about it is…using her own words! She is so brain dead she doesn’t see that she has condemned herself by the very book she wrote.

Give me the book, Joan!

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Comments

1. Facts are Stubborn Things Part 4 « Refuting a Book of Lies: Forbidden Family – - November 10, 2010

[…] is the telling fact that I, Ruth, am not mentioned ONCE in this letter. Go back and read Facts are Stubborn Things Part 3  where Gert tells what happened in 1982 from her perspective. She says over and over again that it […]

2. Gert - November 10, 2010

Even after all these years, after writing about it myself, having talking it over with Ruth, recently, it STILL HURTS! And even in that pain, I have still been able to reconcile that pain with my daughter and my sister Ruth, because they were able to reconcile with me. Joan never has and in the book she will tell you that, in 1992, it was still all my fault and worst because I did not APOLOGY to her and her adoptive mother for the letter that I wrote. Joan never sees the damage that she does nor takes responsiblity for her own actions.

On point needs to be clarified. When I and my husband found out that my daughter was in the school in buffalo, we went there. The principal had not phoned me as she had promised days before if she had seen my daughter. My husband and I were in the hallways watching for her as she came from a class, the hall filled with students. She saw me, ran the other way, my husband ran after her, grab her ankle and they fall down. I ran to them, and was tackled by a security guard and my glasses flew off my face. We were all taken to the office, where certain things were said by my daughter which caused the police to take her into custody away from me. I then had to go to family court to place her into foster home. I then counter-sued the county and my sisters. A home study was done on both of them and they did not pass and guess what…I WON MY CASE!

I have a 16 page document PROVING that my husband and I were INNOCENT of any wrong doing including, any form of assault in the school hallway and any form of child abuse!

The end result of course was the end of many relationships within our family and it all could have been avoided if Joan kept herself out of my business and my family. Less anyone have any doubt as to why I HATE Joan…this is why…she is a destroyer of people and families.

She could very easily end this by GIVING ME THE BOOK which means that she has to destroy it, pull it from the selling market, get herself out of the public venue of be a great and wonderful adoption reform person because she is NOTHING but pure evil.

3. Ruth - November 10, 2010

Gert is correct –
the incident in the school was ugly.
the incidents of the child abuse calls were ugly.
the aftermath was ugly.
the whole dam thing was ugly.
It could have all been avoided if Joan had just listened to: Number One – COMMON SENSE – anytime a teenager says “they don’t understand me at home” should be taken with a grain of salt. Number Two – when I said “don’t call child abuse unless we know that’s what’s going on.”
But does Joan have any dam common sense? Her whole book shows incident after incident where she instigates arguments, and has the dam UNcommon sense to fucking write about it, and thinks she’s the heroine in each episode of The Joni Show.
She wanted to be the heroine in this painful episode – she wanted to “save” Karen – and look what happened. She made it worse than it was. She made enemies of Gert and her husband, and I, yes, I admit to some intefering, albeit going about it with the advice of a priest and a child psychologist, got labeled along with Joan as a destroyer of a family.
The whole thing was totally unneccessary – but Joan, who lives everyday in the fantasy world of The Joni Show, to this day thinks she was the superheroine and she “saved” Karen. riigght!

4. Gert - November 10, 2010

As I have just finished up writing about another chapter in Joan’s vile book I have found this statement on pg 453 that Joan says…

‘Many people can’t stop blaming me for their inner turmoil’

this is Joan’s reasoning why people, be it me, or anyone in our family, or other people like the abusive violent man whom she ‘tried’ to ‘save’ are always blaming her…because they have not dealt with their inner turmoil! No ONCE has Joan taken responsibily for any of her actions! It’s always the other guy!

this is Joan’s great wisdom and divine relevations of other people’s minds and motives…they just have not dealt with their demons! And Joan has?

why has she written this vile book? so she can ‘show them’ everyone who has ever touched Joan and disagreed with her has PAID A DEEP PRICE. Don’t be the next….

there will be more truth telling coming up on this blog…don’t miss it…we are not done…not by a long shot…Joan will be exposed for all she has done and the best part about it is…using her own words! She is so brain dead she doesn’t see that she has condemned herself by the very book she wrote.

Give me the book, Joan!


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