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Thoughts on Joan Wheeler, how I viewed her as a child and an adult, how I view her in the present December 20, 2010

Posted by Ruth in Joan Wheeler Speak - how Joan views the world, Joan Wheeler's abuse and harassment of her birth family, Lessons in Life, Our Family History, Refuting Joan Wheelers statements.
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by Ruth Sippel Pace — Here’s a recent tidbit of wisdom from Joan

Post by: joanmw on November 06, 2010, 04:05:28 PM

I was found at age 18. In a split second I had the shock of my life and I had to decide how to handle it. How was I gonna be the only child of two adoptive parents and be the middle child of ten in my natural family and make it work with two sets of parents? For me, I told myself I have two sets of real parents and tried to please them both.

That was in the 1970s.

Today,, my real mother is the one who was pregnant with me and birthed me. She died when I was three months old. Her husband is my real father because, well, he is.

The fatehr who raised me is my adoptive father. The mother who raised me is my adoptive mother. She’s still alive and I call her Mom, but the destinction is real. She did not give birth to me and that’s a fact. She did parent me and so did my adoptive father.

I also have a step mother who is currently married to my real father.

All of these people are real and cannot be denied in their exsistance.

Does the term real parent mean “who do I love”? In different ways, I love all of them. But it isn’t a feel-good love. It is a sad, angry and grief-filled  acknowldgement of what really happened.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joan says “It isn’t a feel-good love” – can’t Joan just accept the people around her for what they are – people? And love them for themselves? Isn’t that the friggin’ whine she keeps saying about herself? That people should love and accept her? Why does she have to label people and mete out feelings that are “supposed” to be about that label.

At the age of 54, Joan hasn’t yet learned that human beings are complicated? And are deserving of love and affection for themselves based on what they bring to your relationship.

Yes, we all have a familial love for our relatives. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the feelings we have with those with whom we have a relationship with.

I will use my stepmothers as an example. I was too young when my mother died to really understand what that meant. Shortly afterwards, my father married my first stepmother. Who had a bunch of problems of her own. My siblings didn’t get along with her. I did. I had a relationship with her. I loved her. She took care of me. Did things with me. I vividly remember her pushing me on the swing, playing with me, singing with me. I was a little kid. I adapted. This woman took care of me. Called me her daughter. Her mother called me her granddaughter. As I grew older, I began to realize that this woman was not my mother. She was my stepmother. My love for her did not diminish and I was genuinely upset when she died.

I was 18 when my father married again. I was old enough to accept this woman for who she was. A very nice woman. I was almost grown, didn’t need anyone to braid my hair anymore. Or teach me how to brush my teeth. Or wash behind my ears. But she did teach me other things. And I am eternally grateful to her. She became my friend. I will always love her for that. And yes, it is a “feel-good” love, because she’s been nice to me.

So getting back to Joan. And perhaps this history will clear up the mis-understanding and mis-labeling that we birth siblings of Joan are suffering from “separation anxiety” because she was taken away from us. I was 3 1/2 years old when my mother died. My brother was 5, Gert and Kathy were 8 and 9. There were no daycare centers in 1956, no welfare system, my dad had to go downtown to his job everyday to earn money for the rent and for groceries. (got that Joan?) Right after my mom died, I was living with my Uncle Mattie and Aunt Millie. I’m not sure where the others were. Then my dad married Josephine, and we all lived together. Well, not quite. It seems that Josephine had two sons. Her youngest, John, lived with us.Her oldest, Jimmy, lived with her mother. Why? Because Jimmy did not get along with my father. He was quite vocal about it. BUT he never disrespected any of us Sippel kids! I well remember his visits – he was just my big step-brother who didn’t live us, who lived with my Grandma Genovese and my Uncle Dominic and Aunt Helen, much like I used to live with Uncle Mattie and Aunt Millie.

When my stepmother showed signs of a nervous breakdown and went to the psych center, Gert and Kathy went to a foster home, me and my brothers to an orphan home for a year. Then we came home for a year. And I’m not sure why I was living with my paternal grandparents while I was in the first grade. My brother Butch was with me. But not Johnny. Nor Gert and Kathy. I was in the second grade at the orphan home and third grade when we all came home. Gert and Kathy stayed in the foster home. During the summer between my third and fourth grades, my stepmother flipped out again and I was sent to the same foster home as Gert and Kathy. The boys stayed with Dad, Jimmy was still with his grandmother.

So all this moving around, with one or two kids staying here, and other kids staying there, was quite NORMAL for us Sippel kids. The core group, Gert, Kathy, Butch, me, and Johnny all saw each other quite regularly. Jimmy, less regularly, but we knew he was around, and were pleased and excited when we did see him. Big step-brother Jimmy was aware of my fondness of art materials and always brought me play clay (not the Play-dough, but the better stuff), watercolors, brushes – stuff like that.

I don’t remember when I first aware that we had baby sister Doris laying around somewhere. And we wanted her with us. Why not? She was our sister. By the time I was 10 years old, I was quite aware of her, but she was “adopted” and her name had been changed. I didn’t quite understand that. By my mid-teens, I was fully aware of her status. I most certainly did NOT suffer from any sort of “separation anxiety” concerning Doris/Joan. MY separation anxiety problems stemmed from my being separted from my father. During my life, wherever I was living, whoever had custody of me, they always took good care of me, instilled good and proper moral values, and taught me skills. (Bible songs from Sunday School teacher Aunt Millie; some sort of embroidery from Josephine, hair care from my paternal grandmother, homemade spaghetti sauce from my grandmother Genovese, many skills from my foster parents, including gardening, pet care, rowing a boat and fishing!). Despite all this – I wanted to be with my daddy!

In the meantime, our Aunt Catherine had a photograph of Joan. It was given to her by her childhood friend, Helen, who’s brother Edward had adopted Joan. Contrary to Joan’s accusations of Aunt Catherine’s “stalking” her, (my god, how could she think of such a thing?), it was merely a photograph of the child of her dead sister’.  Catherine was in the hospital giving birth to her last child Gail, (March 4) while in another part of the hospital, her sister lay dying, and died March28. Catherine had Doris/Joan’s photo out of LOVE and rememberance of her dead sister, and her last child, who was adopted out and indeed FORBIDDEN to us, Catheirne included. She was NOT “stalking”Joan, she had a momento of her. For god’s sake Joan, can’t you see that we all LOVED you and MISSED you? We didn’t STALK you, you idiot.

Catherine and Helen were childhood friends. Their children all knew each other. One day in 1966, Catherine and Helen took their kids to Crystal Beach Amusement Park. Well, what do you know? On the same day, Dorothy Wheeler had brought Joan to Crystal Beach. My cousin Gail saw Joan and was confused. This girl looked like me, but she wasn’t a Sippel. After the mothers finished talking, and Aunt Catherine got Gail alone, she told Gail who Joan was, and that we Sippel kids didn’t know who Joan was or where she was. And Gail was never to tell us. And she never did. So much for Joan’s insistence that she had been stalked “all her life” or “since she was 10 years old” by us. We couldn’t have – We didn’t know her name or where she was.

It was when I was 20 years old, (Joan was 16), when Gert approached me and told me that for years she had seen that photograph of Joan, and gradually became self-aware that the photo was that of our lost sister Doris. She asked Aunt Catherine what her name was. Catherine told her Joan Wheeler. But would not tell Gert where she lived. We found that out by me calling Wheelers in the phone book. And it was only ONE phone call placed to Joan’s home – she was not the subject of multiple stalking phone calls or prank letters, as Joan reports. And then we waited until she was 18 years old – legal age – to contact her.

As to Joan saying she was stalked by this contact – well I wish she would make up her mind! She has always maintained that as she became a teen and was aware that she was adopted, when she gained the “maturity” (and I say this loosely because she shows very little maturity, even now at the age of 54) – by the time she was 16, she made the conscience decision to find her birthparents. She didn’t know at the time she had siblings, but I guarantee if she had, they would have been included in her decision to find her birth family. – So much for her saying that she was traumatized by us finding her and we had “separation anxiety” – after she made that conscience decision to find her birth family – she wanted us as much as we wanted her.

So what happened when we found her? For myself, I was quite happy to have her back in my life. In 1974, I was in my first apartment, learning all the new things a new “adult” does. I was making my own decisions in my life, learning all about my new freedoms to come and go as I please, do what I want with my life and my time. Making my own mistakes and learning from them. And yes, that included my new relationship with Joan.

Gert said in a recent comment, “Ruth tried so many times to be a sister to Joan.” Yes, I did. Joan was raised as an only child. I was not. I came from a large family. Even if we Sippel siblings weren’t always with each other, we were with other kids. Aunt Catherine’s kids were particularly close to us. My cousin Gail was more like a sister to me. My first stepmother’s nephews and neice (David, Anthony, Gina, Perry) were close to me. Anthony was around the same age as me and Johnny, and we always played together). So I had experience in being a sister, or at least being close to someone!

And that is what I tried to be. To be close with Joan. I welcomed her back into my life with open arms. And she admits this in her book! I grew to love her. And I didn’t base my love on a wish that my dead mother would be sort of re-incarnated. No, I loved Joan for who and what she was. My sister. Who was funny, talented, creative, shared an interest in Ancent Egypt and Star Trek with me, shared an interest in mysticism with me. Liked many of the same songs and rock groups and actors as I did. Liked many of the same movies as I did. Some things about her I didn’t understand. But I would bet there were some things about me she didn’t understand. But no matter – we got along just fine. Joan said in her book that we were in a reunion and nobody knew how to proceed. What’s the big deal? I knew how to proceed! I just accepted her! If I had a day off from work and was free – I called her up and we went out to a movie or something. Isn’t that we all just simply do with anybody in our lives? Why must Joan make everything so dam difficult and see fucking problems where no problems exist? I had NO problem with Joan whatsoever. I loved her.

Well what the hell happened? Apparently, Joan didn’t love me at all. Because by 1981, we started seeing things in Joan we didn’t like. Her being opinionated for one thing. Let me rephrase that – her being DISRESPECTFUL is what I mean. She would give her opinion of a situation – and nobody was allowed to have an opposing viewpoint! If you disagreed with Joan, she would argue with you, and you ended up feeling belittled, like your opinion or viewpoint had no value. And that is wrong, wrong, wrong, because every human being on this planet has worth. Just because they disagree with you, does not give you the right to devalue them their basic human right to a free opinion!

It took a few years – but after a while, this devalue-ing (is that a word?) of me took it’s toll. I began to lose respect for Joan. By 1983, I had very little respect for her, but there was still love there. I gave her another chance. She hurt me again in 1987, I gave her another chance. In 1990, she out and out stole money from me. By that time, I could give her no more chances. Or so I thought. I tried again in 1992. Nope, I got kicked in the teeth again. And then her vendetta against me started for real – harassing letters, lies, July 4 and 5, 1992, she tried THREE times to get me in trouble with my husband! (that will be documented in due time). Then she started sending stalking letters to my house, greeting cards to my husband, but the envelopes addressed to me, false police reports, and on and on and on and on. Phone calls to my job to get me fired, trashing me to car repair people who knew me.

I sure want to know what the hell I did to Joan Wheeler that made her want to do all these rotten things to me! Then in 1999, she sends me a letter asking me why I don’t like her. No, by this time, I didn’t just not like her, I no longer loved her. And it was Joan herself who killed any love I ever had for her.

I said it before – our Doris is dead and gone. We are left with Monster Joan. I loved the Joan of the 70’s. The Joan of the 80’s, the 90’s, the 2000’s – she is deserving only of my contempt. And it is due to her own actions.

1. Gert – December 21, 2010 
Well said Ruth!!!

Ruth said:
“I most certainly did NOT suffer from any sort of “separation anxiety” concerning Doris/Joan. MY separation anxiety problems stemmed from my being separted from my father.”

I can state, with full knowledge that this statement is the truth, that from where both I and Kathy stand and from our deceased brother Butch. We, four children suffered through the loss due to death of a mother and several placements, some healthy, some not so healthy for many many years and not having our father there for us when we needed him, because he was always so busy with earning a living to support us all. During the 10 years I lived in a foster home I was ALWAYS packed because Daddy was coming to take me home the following weekend. Joan was never in my thoughts.

At various times in each of our lives we knew about Doris/Joan…I knew more and I remember more because I was the oldest…but at NO TIME did I ever suffer from being separated from her…Joan flatters herself too much…she was not and is not the center of my soul and life…as a child it was my FATHER, as an adult it is with my FATHER that I had to come to terms with regarding events of my life and those of and in my family…it NEVER WAS WITH JOAN.

Ruth said:
“Apparently, Joan didn’t love me at all. Because by 1981, we started seeing things in Joan we didn’t like. Her being opinionated for one thing. Let me rephrase that – her being DISRESPECTFUL is what I mean. She would give her opinion of a situation – and nobody was allowed to have an opposing viewpoint! If you disagreed with Joan, she would argue with you, and you ended up feeling belittled, like your opinion or viewpoint had no value. And that is wrong, wrong, wrong, because every human being on this planet has worth. Just because they disagree with you, does not give you the right to devalue them their basic human right to a free opinion!”

And it was at that same time that Joan turned on me! I was to obey her views on adoption, when I told her to get lost and mind her own business, when I was adopting my own child, she TURNED on me.
She alienated my children from me, she interfered with my and my husband’s parental authority, she called me an unfit mother, called child abuse on me, took my daughter from me…and to this day…has the gall to think she was right and I was wrong, regardless to the fact that I own the paperwork that states my innocence!

Joan is very self-centered and thinks that she can write a untruthful account of everyone’s life and get away with it…NO…doesn’t work that way.

Joan gave us sisters the opportunity to tell the entire world what Joan has done, thank you Joan!
And we shall do just that…tell the world every thing that Joan has done…

2. chayelet – December 21, 2010
As for me, my way of dealing with those early traumas -mother’s death, placements and serious personality clashes with my father, was to move to the UK.I had made my decision as early as 1965, aged 17. I moved here in 1973 and have been too involved with building and sustaining my life here to be anything but a bystander in this whole reunion thing, and I made that quite clear to JW from the very start. Gert and Ruth speak about a time when JW TURNED against them.Both times it was when Ruth and/or Gert said NO to JW. Same with me. I saw from our very first days together that JW was a user but it was 1988 when her demands for a free ride on a 3rd visit were just a bit too intrusive. I did not ring her to tell her to stay home- she stayed home because her kids were sick (quite rightly) and common sense prevailed. But because I would not offer her free food and lodgings, her attitude toward me changed dramatically.

Certain ‘acquaintances’ in the UK had to terminate budding friendships with her because of her incessant phoning up at 3 am local time, asking for favours, etc. None of that had anything to do with me ‘bad-mouthing’ JW. She did it all by herself.

And now, with these few lines, I believe I have covered everything about me that JW has issues with, except for the Rene Hoksbergen incident circa 1992 to which Ruth and Gert have alluded in previous posts, and so there really, truly, and officially is nothing left for me to say on this subject.

3. gert – December 22, 2010 
Well said Kathy!!!

It trully is amazing just how ‘far-fetched’ and ‘off base’ Joan’s understandings of any person/situation is! And the reasons for that is because it is always Joan’s inner mind that is always talking to her, that makes all her decisions for her about what any person was THINKING AND FEELING, instead of what ACTUALLY and TRULLY happened…and Joan wonders why people don’t understand her…no one is in Joan’s mind except Joan. Reality is NOT Joan’s mind!

And…we are NOT completely done with the subject of Hoksbergen, not by a long shot, we are not done…there is much much more coming out on that one…as there is so much more damage that Joan has to account for.

…all in good time, my pretty!! all in good time.

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Comments

1. Gert - December 21, 2010

Well said Ruth!!!

Ruth said:
“I most certainly did NOT suffer from any sort of “separation anxiety” concerning Doris/Joan. MY separation anxiety problems stemmed from my being separted from my father.”

I can state, with full knowledge that this statement is the truth, that from where both I and Kathy stand and from our deceased brother Butch. We, four children suffered through the loss due to death of a mother and several placements, some healthy, some not so healthy for many many years and not having our father there for us when we needed him, because he was always so busy with earning a living to support us all. During the 10 years I lived in a foster home I was ALWAYS packed because Daddy was coming to take me home the following weekend. Joan was never in my thoughts.

At various times in each of our lives we knew about Doris/Joan…I knew more and I remember more because I was the oldest…but at NO TIME did I ever suffer from being separated from her…Joan flatters herself too much…she was not and is not the center of my soul and life…as a child it was my FATHER, as an adult it is with my FATHER that I had to come to terms with regarding events of my life and those of and in my family…it NEVER WAS WITH JOAN.

Ruth said:
“Apparently, Joan didn’t love me at all. Because by 1981, we started seeing things in Joan we didn’t like. Her being opinionated for one thing. Let me rephrase that – her being DISRESPECTFUL is what I mean. She would give her opinion of a situation – and nobody was allowed to have an opposing viewpoint! If you disagreed with Joan, she would argue with you, and you ended up feeling belittled, like your opinion or viewpoint had no value. And that is wrong, wrong, wrong, because every human being on this planet has worth. Just because they disagree with you, does not give you the right to devalue them their basic human right to a free opinion!”

And it was at that same time that Joan turned on me! I was to obey her views on adoption, when I told her to get lost and mind her own business, when I was adopting my own child, she TURNED on me.
She alienated my children from me, she interfered with my and my husband’s parental authority, she called me an unfit mother, called child abuse on me, took my daughter from me…and to this day…has the gall to think she was right and I was wrong, regardless to the fact that I own the paperwork that states my innocence!

Joan is very self-centered and thinks that she can write a untruthful account of everyone’s life and get away with it…NO…doesn’t work that way.

Joan gave us sisters the opportunity to tell the entire world what Joan has done, thank you Joan!
And we shall do just that…tell the world every thing that Joan has done…

2. chayelet - December 21, 2010

As for me, my way of dealing with those early traumas -mother’s death, placements and serious personality clashes with my father, was to move to the UK.I had made my decision as early as 1965, aged 17. I moved here in 1973 and have been too involved with building and sustaining my life here to be anything but a bystander in this whole reunion thing, and I made that quite clear to JW from the very start. Gert and Ruth speak about a time when JW TURNED against them.Both times it was when Ruth and/or Gert said NO to JW. Same with me. I saw from our very first days together that JW was a user but it was 1988 when her demands for a free ride on a 3rd visit were just a bit too intrusive. I did not ring her to tell her to stay home- she stayed home because her kids were sick (quite rightly) and common sense prevailed. But because I would not offer her free food and lodgings, her attitude toward me changed dramatically.

Certain ‘acquaintances’ in the UK had to terminate budding friendships with her because of her incessant phoning up at 3 am local time, asking for favours, etc. None of that had anything to do with me ‘bad-mouthing’ JW. She did it all by herself.

And now, with these few lines, I believe I have covered everything about me that JW has issues with, except for the Rene Hoksbergen incident circa 1992 to which Ruth and Gert have alluded in previous posts, and so there really, truly, and officially is nothing left for me to say on this subject.

3. gert - December 22, 2010

Well said Kathy!!!

It trully is amazing just how ‘far-fetched’ and ‘off base’ Joan’s understandings of any person/situation is! And the reasons for that is because it is always Joan’s inner mind that is always talking to her, that makes all her decisions for her about what any person was THINKING AND FEELING, instead of what ACTUALLY and TRULLY happened…and Joan wonders why people don’t understand her…no one is in Joan’s mind except Joan. Reality is NOT Joan’s mind!

And…we are NOT completely done with the subject of Hoksbergen, not by a long shot, we are not done…there is much much more coming out on that one…as there is so much more damage that Joan has to account for.

…all in good time, my pretty!! all in good time!


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