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Nicole Urdang’s amazon.com review of Joan Wheeler’s trash book Forbidden Family, and Ruth Pace’s rebuttal (re-post) May 15, 2011

Posted by Ruth in Announcements and updates, Joan Wheeler's abuse and harassment of her birth family, Refuting Joan Wheelers statements.
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In recent posts, we indicated that a Buffalo, NY therapist, Nicole S. Urdang, who wrote a review on Amazon.com for Joan’s book removed her review. We were in error. The review is still there, but hidden. But I found it.

Ms. Urdang writes:
This is an incredible book. Two books actually. One a memoir and one a call to arms for all adoptees.

Joan chronicles her own deeply moving experience and uses that as a springboard to examine wider issues affecting all adoptees and their parents.

An essential addition to your library if you are involved with adoption either personally or professionally.

 I left this comment:

Ruth Pace says:

This book has been pulled from publication due to an incredible amount of slander and libel, and the author’s use of a family photo on the back cover, that she has NO copyrights to. She never bothered to obtain written permission from those whose likeness she is trying to make money off.
The book is of no help to anyone who has any adoption anxiety concerns, except that it is a chronicle of a woman losing her mind. the author details her alcoholism, anti-social behavior, rages, descent into depression. maybe it could help propel someone into therapy, but the author herself, despite admitting to being in therapy for years, has never learned any life lessons, continuing to blame all her woes on everybody else.

 Now, going back to Ms. Urdang’s review – she says that this book is a “call to arms for all adoptees.” Why? Because Joan herself is mentally ill? Because Joan herself cannot accept reality? The reality being that in 1956 when my mother died, things were NOT as they are today – there were no daycare centers – my father had to go to work – he had no siblings – his parents were elderly and could not provide care for an infant – my mother’s siblings all had large families themselves, MY FATHER HAD NO CHOICE – HE WAS NOT COERCED INTO GIVING JOAN TO ADOPTION! Would Joan have wanted to lie in a crib unattended all day while my father was at his job? Or should he have stayed home and earned no money, and therefore we would all ended up in the streets. There was no welfare system as we have today.

 These are the facts of Joan’s early life – it is her REFUSAL to accept them is what is causing her the great pain and frustration of her adoption.

 In her book she twists the facts around – my mother’s sister did indeed know who adopted Joan and where she was living. She did NOT tell us about her. But when we became adults, we did ask her, and she only told us the name: Joan Wheeler. When I was 20 years old, I placed phone calls to Wheelers listed in the phone book. When I got to Edward, a young woman answered, and when I heard her speak, she sounded exactly like my other sister. I was not drunk when I made this call, as Joan writes in her book.

 Two years later, 1974, we called her and were reunited with her. But by 1981, Joan began interfering with our lives, calling child abuse on one sister, stealing bead trim off the wedding dress of another sister, (and the dress was originally my mother’s)  lying, manipulating people to create strife and tension and fighting between family members. By 1990, she stole hundreds of dollars from me, in 1993, she filed false police reports on me, in 1994-95, she called my employer repeatedly to get me fired, she wrote letters to elected officials giving out personal details of my life, in 1999, she sent me a letter telling me my husband got the next-door neighbor pregnant, and much, much more.

 These actions, that caused me and my family much pain and grief did cause us to turn our backs on her. Would you want to associate with someone who files false police reports on you and calls your job to get you fired?

Perhaps Joan does have a beef against the adoption system because she feels that her adoptive parents “lied” to her. THAT IS NOT MY CONCERN! Just because they lied to her, does NOT give her the right to do all those things to us, her biological kin. Obviously the people who adopted and raised her did not instill a proper value system in her. Again,THAT IS NOT MY CONCERN, as long as Joan’s value system does not cause me and mine any harm. The problem is, it has. Big time.

 Because of Joan Wheeler’s actions she was banished from our family. She will not accept this. She will not accept the consequences of her own actions. She cannot get it through her head that because of the many times she has HURT us, we don’t want her around us. It is her refusal to get these things through her head that is causing her pain. And at this point, I don’t give a damn as to whatever “trauma” she has gone through in her life. I am dealing with the trauma that Joan has caused ME.  And to see this lie-filled book, to open this book, to read on these pages, LIES about myself, is HURTFUL.

 A call to arms? Why? So these “damaged” individuals can turn around and do damage to other people? NO WAY!

 So now this lying book has been pulled off the market, good riddance I say.

 And I add this small comment to Ms. Urdang, indeed to EVERYbody who knows Joan Wheeler, whether personally in Buffalo, or on the internet: TELL HER TO STAY AWAY FROM ME AND MY FAMILY AND STOP WRITING LIES ABOUT US.

 Joan got slapped down and slapped down real hard with the pulling of her precious book from publication. And that’s the consequences of her actions. That’s life Joan, DEAL WITH IT. TAKE YOUR PSYCHOSES AWAY FROM US AND LEAVE US ALONE!

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